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Dark Secret

Just not too long ago a series of things happened … and I shared a part of me … that I once thought I will never share with anyone for the rest of my life. Sharing it brings fear and uncertainty …  I must say.

With the sharing came a Promise that i am fighting hard to keep to. With the promise … I thought things has come to an end … convincing myself, resting my mind, my heart and soul. Yet I accidentally chanced upon something related and bring about the unrest again, so easily … affected. 

 Hadn’t had a peaceful mind since then that at times I can’t sleep well … peace can I pray for you to come to me again and bring the unrest away.

 Let go already … もう終わった …

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Some things just cannot happen at a better timing can’t they?

Thought hitting “I” while changing phone … resulting in resolving it at some ”ulu” part of an MRT station and ditching dinner with my family was bad enough?

Though hitting “I” while having dinner with fren and in the end gotta rush cab home and started arrangement and solving it while in cab was bad enough?

Thought hitting “I” after a chill out session till 4am in the morning while being called at 7am was bad enough?

I was just so wrong!

Recently … I had a discussion … resulting in some misunderstanding with a close fren (simply because of different understanding of a single word … OMG) … that ended me up in a very troubled and sad night. As the reply came in late in the night … tears just rolled down uncontrollably … yet guess what? I received an “I” call! Actually have to get hold of myself within a few seconds, pick up the call and start asking for details while wiping my tears away. The timing is really … got nothing to say about the timing man!

Best of all, by the time I resolved it (within an hour or so) … my tears dried up … I no longer cry anymore while finishing the message exchange. Did it just killed my emotions I wondered?

 Then … just a weeks ago, when I was about to set off to my friend’s house for CNY visit … another one hit! My god … ended up with the latest CNY visit ever i guess … sweat ^^||| 

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Think for myself …

Someone told me … I need to think for myself. I always thought I been thinking for myself … but think I actually hasn’t been doing so (or hasn’t been thinking enough for myself) for a while I guess, just following what my hearts want to do.

 Tired… can’t continue anymore… need to zzz … good night!

I love to travel but I also realised that as much as I like to go to western countries I find it a little hard at times to accept the cultural difference or simply put … the occasional racism. However, Tasmanians really changed my opinion. Unlike many that I have met before, Tasmanians are really kind and helpful. Though I cannot get use to the occasional lack of sense of urgency (from the other perspective, we city folks is just too “gan chiong”!), I must say the people that we met like those who offered to help us take a photo without us asking and many others simply just enhanced the experience.

The scenary is so nice that I kept taking photos even within the car!

I must say this trip really came unexpected, a little more than 3 months ago I would never have expected this trip to take place at all. Still wondering how it occurred at times hahaha. Who would have thought that the movie that we wanted to watch together few months ago but didn’t make it then … we actually get to watch it together on a plane!

 I had a couple of encounters that were first in my life

1. A road trip
It really motivates me to go and learn driving! Think a road trip with a few close friends who drives gonna be very fun!

2. Plucking cherries, peaches and berries from a fruit farm
Plucked strawberries also but think I plucked it in Cameron highland about 7 years back. However, now then I realised that sweet strawberries will usually be covered with ants!!! Gosh…now whenever I eat strawberries I seemed to be reminded of this?! Still … I had fun picking it though ^^|

3. Seeing a peacock displaying its feathers
They are so proud of their feathers that they will turn round and round in front of you just like a model!

4. Patting a Tasmania Devil

5. A fireplace in the room!

6. Visit to a lavender farm

7. Visit to a vineyard

8. Our luggage didn’t make it back to Singapore with us in time!
Our flight from Tasmania to Sydney was delayed and thus we ended up in a mad rush at Sydney airport to catch our connecting flights. But apparently, we made it but not the luggage^^|Therefore, we get to claim insurance and this is the first time I am claiming insurance. Heard that the $$ is not bad, a blessing in disguise I guess? ^^||| 

Memorable times

1. Relax and chat on the nice cosy bed/sofa with a cup of hot coffee/tea  ^____^

2. At Mount Wellington in a misty mountain … taking photos and running around haha.

3. At Cradle Mountain, hiking and taking photos

4. Fell while tracking by the cliff looking for best spot to take photo of the waterfall! Thank god I fell backwards and not towards the right else today I might not be able to type this today! Amazing thing was that I was actually unharmed, my ankles & knees still works fine after that! Hallelujah!

5. Almost crashed into a pole … is an experience but I can’t remember how I reacted … haha. Thank god my friend was quick enough to steer back onto the path and we continued our way.

6. Travelling in the car seeing all the animals … dead or alive

• Road kills (more of traumatised! haha)
• Echidnas crossing the road
• Herd of cows crossing the road

7. Groups of little Penguin (fairy penguin) walking pass in front of me with 2 hiding below our car

One can be so blessed that

• A summer can become cold like an autumn/winter (5 to < 20 degrees) … and of course, I love winter! haha
• Overcast sky cleared up and provides a nice blue sky + white cloud backdrop for the scenic spot!
• Missed the planned place for tea/dinner followed by the restaurant at the hotel happened to be without a cook for that day lead us to a place with wonderful tasty dinner (lobster!!!)

Daddy God, thank YOU for the blessings for the trip, for bringing a friend closer into my life, for calming my excited yet nervous heart, giving me the courage and help to overcome my shyness to go travelling for the first time with another family. Hahah someone says it is like a training for me to go abroad with my future bf’s family … LOLOLOL 

I been thinking for a while … life been great recently:
- I earn a decent pay, enough to bring a little “bread” home :p
- I have a wonderful Mum … whom I loved so dearly. Everyday @ work, I know once I open my bag there will be my mum’s “ai xin” breakfast (okie, once or twice I don’t find it … but well, then it is my favourite egg tart time I guess? haha)
- My Dad … … … something good but I shall not elaborate. haha
- I have fantastic siblings … though they are a little different from other people’s elder sister/brother … or maybe I am the odd one who is unlike the usual yonger sis? In anycase, I enjoyed playing games with them and “disturbing” them. hahah
- I have great friends @ work whom I now spend so much time together with.
- I also have my long known old friends whom we knew each other for > x years and we are still meeting now and then
- I have a bunch of overseas friends whom I enjoy meeting them once or twice each year
- I have financial discussion, hotpot and gaming kakis
- I have 1 desktop, 2 laptops and 1 netbook!!! (Abundance abundance … hahah)
- I can afford to go overseas twice or more a year! (Batam, Bintan, Malaysia? hahah … kidding. I flew overseas once in June and soon will be flying in Dec :p).
- and the list just goes on … too many to state! (Abundance again!!!)

Sometimes the day can be crappy, the morning can be interrupted with incident … a lunch with you all just brightened up the day. Even when time is limited, the short and quick fun we had while queuing for food lightened the mood altogether.

Though at times I may “complaint” about the task I am working on … but I still love my work and have passion it it. Of course sometimes we bound to have 1 or 2 things that are not going smooth or not to our liking … afterall these are challenges to help you grow I guess. While I always think all you need to do is always find something you like to do, it is not that simple I realised. Sometimes, one may not know what he/she likes, sometimes … one may not get to do what he/she like. I guess at the end of the day, either you do what you like or you get yourself to like what you are doing.

When I feel like eating hotpot, I know who I can ask to eat with me … except that at times I have diarrehea after the hotpot … else i would love to have it more. haha … the last one was pretty good also.

Try for a day to focus on what you have instead of what you think you lacked in. Life is simply great!

Thank God and Amen ^__^

Perhaps the answer might be very different at the beginning but now I started to appreciate things more and also my passion and joy @ work came back. It is still not exactly the same as the past but I think thats just because I became more jaded now than before. There are certain things I will be concerned about and certain things I will just have my reserve on hearing/receiving it.

I think the passion and joy I had in the past was more pure & simple, like a young one being very excited about the job, the project and the team. Now, it is a little different, I like the technical and solution design stuff that I do and thus have passion and enjoyed my current work + also appreciated that my bosses pushes back & protected us from certain things so that we can have some work life balances. There are some differences though … like I say, think is because I am more jaded now than before

The other thing that I noticed is that people thought I chose where I want to go because of relationships. Mmmm…well in a way who you work with is important but it doesn’t meant that I will do something I don’t like because of that. Not sure why I gave people such perception … is true that friendship means a lot to me but it doesn’t mean that will dictate my career.

10 years ago, I chose a course that none of my friends chose, not a single bit of hesitation other than feeling sorry to my parents for not going JC just because of my passion & urge to learn IT & web. When I pick where I want to be now, is purely because of what I like to do at that time also…frankly…most of my friends go for banks if they wanna join FI.

I was again shocked … when I heard ” i know you were apprehand because you are very close with … ” … I was like “huh ?” in my heart. Yes, I enjoyed friendship a lot @ work, I may chose to go certain places (or rather follow certain people) whom I think is worth learning from for a short period of time (yes short term if the scope is something that I know is not what I want to do) … however, I liked application support … the challenges, the technicality and bringing differences to people. In the first place why I liked IT was because we can create (make something out of nothing ^_______^) and make life easier for people or enable things to happen (impact people’s life). The power of creation is indeed wonderful.

okie…now then I am entering the actual topic ^^|:

I liked to do programming but I wonder if now I go back to do programming (not changing job just potential change in job scope), am I moving backwards in terms of career progression? No disrespect to programmers, just that in my current place it doesn’t seems like there is a lot of prospect for a full time programmer. I wonder … I knew once I started to do programming I won’t have much time for other things, I wonder in terms of career progression, am I moving backwards for looking forward (yes I look forward to do doing it^^|) to own and code my own program?

Another consideration was, after running certain activities, I realised I might have potential in another area … which it seems like there is more prospect than a technical job. However, weighing the two, I still like application support more thus I continued the path. Nonetheless, it puts me to wonder if I should consider moving there in future?

This is my 3rd year here, is time I ask myself what do I want to achieve after 5 years time? Instead of 5 years, i give myself 3 years (since it is aready 3rd year here liao) … to achieve it.

Can I continue to pursue what I like to do … years later?

 Anyway, these 2-3 days are my resting days and I am spending it with my family. Purposely allocated time for it as I been busy for the past few weeks and felt that I didn’t spent enough time with them. Time is so limited ^^|

At the same time, also sorted out some finances yesterday and realised that the bonus isn’t a lot actually, after giving out some … netting off some … not much left!!!

1. Ytd 15% went to my parents, grandma and my aunt + housing loan

2. About $2000 goes to credit card charges for these spending in Aug 

• New desktop + monitor
• Hightea with my family
• Diving trip
• Chilli Crab dinner with my family
• Yakiniku Wagyu beef set dinner @ Aburiya

3. Annual insurance charges (1 x ILP, 1 x Life, 1 x Term)

There isn’t that much left after all these! Ouch!! hahah … but it is such a happy thing to be able to give $$ to the elders and also bring my family to enjoy good food (no doubt my mum says spending so much $$$ just to eat bread and cakes at Fullerton was a bit too expensive … ^^|||) Anyway 大人们。。。我们也已经不是小孩子了耶，不要那么害羞，就接受我们那点点的心意麻。 My grandma was a bit shy and it took so long to convince my aunt to accept  the $$.

My family’s first experience of an english style High Tea! Also their first time dining @ Fullerton ^_^

Hightea @ Fullerton Courtyard

First time eating Wagyu Beef! But … I am really not an atas eater, still prefer those moderately marinated meat as compared to lightly salted/marinated Wagyu Beef. Hahah…it is indeed soft, tender and juicy but … I prefer marinated than eating 原汁原味 ^^| ops…

Yakiniku @ Aburiya

Impromptu Chilli Crab dinner! Originally wanted to go for our usual weekend Stingray dinner but the stall wasn’t open thus I suggested to have dinner at another place with cheap cheap 3 for $19 chilli crab, but it was sold out by the time we reached! To avoid a 2nd disappointment, decided to order the more expensive chilli crab which goes by KG! Well spent … hee, had a great dinner! Though it was a > $100 hawker food.

When I was young, eating crab was like such a rare thing! I think I ate it only about once a year or so. But yesterday … I just felt that I should order it, don’t want to limit ourselves so much anymore! Just enjoy the food, I will earn more back

Recently just quietly took on another share of the housing loan which increased my monthly expenses but the increment came just at the right time See … abundance again … haha.

Apart from these, yesterday also accompanied my bro to watch a DVD cum DIY-ed some unique candies with Oneisama & Mum! Oneisama been waiting for me since 1-2 weeks ago!!!

Popin Cookin

It takes alot more effort than we expected!

Pretty obvious whose ”cooking skill” is better ^^||| … Sushi by my oneisama, donut by my mum and those at the top by me^^|…

Probably took us 3 hours to “cook” and less than 30 minutes to finish it up. Not very tasty I must say … hahaha.

This morning was a cosy and sweet morning with my mum putting on socks for my freezing feet in the aircon room + my sis tucking me in my blanket again before she left for her work … all these when I was still half in my “la la land” hahaa. So sweet, felt so blessed and blissful ~~^^~~

Then spent half a day to have lunch with my mum and dinner with my parents and accompany them to watch TV till 10pm!

Tomorrow is K Lunch day with my family + teaching my bro how to use pivot table time! wooh!

Think won’t have time for them again when BCP exercise come … so one shot “gao gao” family time! Hhahaa

Thank YOU & HALLELUJAH !!!

Everyone has a different expectations and we all defers in it. Apart from having expectations on ourselves (well…I am probably an old friend to expectations liao ^^|), one will always consciously or subconsciously place our own expectations on others. Then we will start to feel unhappy when people cannot meet our expectations. Aren’t human a weird species? How does another person know whats on your mind and let alone meeting the expectations?! I believed we all know this yet we kept falling into this all the time.

I have this expectation on X and X have this expectation on Y and the story goes on. Things can become very painful at times when the expectations are repeatedly not being met. Yet, many a times…we failed to realise that the pain was caused by ourselves and our own expectations. The way to be happy is to let go of such expectations, as simple as that yet how many can achieve it? However, letting go expectations doesn’t mean that you move away.

I was once caught in a painful path also, started off without much expectations but it unknowningly builts up and I sank deeper than I realised.  Until it hit a point where I find it too painful to continue yet very painful to let go also. Words that I have said, I remembered and have no intention of going back on them … yet I knew these probably does not meant much (yes, is my own assumption again :p). That was the first time I said such things … and maybe the last time? It could be coincidences for situations that I felt disappointed or upset about.  有人说没有拥有过所以没什么好难过的，也有人说拥有了再失去比较痛苦。。。though I logically agrees to all these but my emotions cannot accept it. Maybe because I felt I am one step a head of not having it at all yet I knew I am nowhere near having it + it was a fact that I was in pain (but this fact may not be the ultimate truth, hee).

Thankful for those who helped me out of this, sharing my view & showing me things in another perspective. It was when I felt bad for even having the thoughts to walk away that I truely let go.  Indeed, I had let go, but not by walking away. I am still there, just that I do away with the expectations and let nature take its course.

 A song that I liked a lot now :p

林峰 – 爱不疚

曲:郑智伟

词:张美贤

收藏在眼眸 常徘徊左右 爱 猜到没有

愉快玩笑後 能全然退後 你 开心就够

这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够

假使讲了 你听到後或会走

这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有

成全 衷心祝福然後就放手

放手 放开所有 彼此更自由

放手 其实我绝非爱得不够

放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友

已经 已经足够

遥远是宇宙 静静在背後 去看守就够

这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够

即使一刹有过冲动 挽你手

这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有

成全 多舍不得仍然 是放手

放手 放开所有 彼此更自由

放手 其实我绝非爱得不够

放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友

已经 已经足够

放手 我的牵挂 找不到尽头

放手 期望你幸福甚麽都有

也许 爱很深厚 然而我早看得透

放手 至可拥有

Last week had been a packed week for me, everyday I just felt so busy and in rush. Thank God for the wisdom and help, there are things that I felt I didn’t have enough time to do it but managed to get through somehow Also, felt so blessed with the great weather yesterday that made the outing that we were organising a success (as long as everyone enjoyed themselves, I deemed it as a success ).

Recent happenings reminds me of something that was once mentioned to me before, which is a chat on reliability. Apart from that, there is also changes that I observed on myself (or should I say grow? :p).

Was helping in organising a company event and one of a team member fell sick resulting in tasks assigned having uncertainty of whether it will be completed. Falling sick is not something one can control, however, from this I realised how important it is to hand over things regardless. Perhaps there are other reasons but this just reminded myself of a topic on “reliablility” that someone once told me about. Back then I didn’t have that much of an appreciation but now I do.

There were some hiccups on the event in the morning also and I took up the lead and tried to set things in order. This makes me look back at the past me and now. I guess the two years here really trained me quite a bit. Before I graduated from University, I never really lead an event before, I will volunteer to help and take part but not coordinate the whole event. After I joined the company, given the “CCAs” that were assigned + opportunities to ran projects and test, unknowningly, it trains and built up the confidence. In the past, I felt that I cannot imagine how it is like to organise an event for hundreds of people. Now, I felt it was managable. I am not the organiser this round, I felt the need for the young ones to “chiong” while I just share my experience and provide my support. However, when hiccups in that morning occured, I was able to handle it. Not that it was well managed but I think it was still OK given that I was taken by surprise.

Though I think I still shown less confident now as compared to when I was in my final year in Uni, my confidence level starts to build up bit by bit again. Sometimes, confidence can be a deciding factor if you are able to handle certain situations and impact the outcome. If you believe you can succeed, you have already won half the battle.

Still not quite used to the change in pace at work. Perhaps I was so used to doing projects, so used to be in a swim or drown situation that I now cannot sit still when I was given time to rest and pick things. Like I mentioned, at times I really cannot see why HE arranged certain things in certain way but many times I know when I look back I understood (or will understand) why. Thus, I continued the walk, despite it may not be what I desire at that very moment but I know everything will turn out good, is all in his care. Even if one day I were to give up everything to do something else like go on long term missionary trip … it is planned also (not that I am willing to now but if the path is so, I know one day I will be). Israel, a place that I will definately go at least once in my life time ^_^

An amazing shower of blessings and favours on the group I must say, I was so excited when I heard about it. Thank God!

Unmerited Favour

[Verse 1]

I am standing

Under an open heaven

Drenched by endless

Showers of grace

Im surrounded

By love and tender mercies

As You freely gave

So freely Ive received

[Chorus]

Now Ive got every reason to rejoice

Your unmerited favour is on my life

Its got nothing to do with what I did

But its all about what Youve done for me

And because of the cross its plain to see

Im irrevocably saved now I am free

And Ill rejoice

In everything Youve done

In everything Youve done

[Verse 2]

No more striving

Because Ive been forgiven

Made forever

Righteous and whole

Im secure in

The hope that is unwavering

And my futures bright

cos Your word is my light

I have never loved my work so much, no doubt there were tears and late nights but we all grow and learn from it. Morphed from a gal who will wilfully buy an air ticket first then seek for approval to now, I am so serious about my work.  

Is a pity certain relationship cannot be maintained, from the bottom of my heart I think you are a mentor to me also, however, I am quite shocked in our last conversation. When I asked what I asked … I was holding the feeling of two years working together and the feeling of things are coming to an end after 2 years, but the answer given was really a little too surprising and it just kept appearing in my mind until recently.

Am I really such a person? I just want to do my best and don’t want things to drop / fall apart. Little did I expect, that was how it was being perceived. Maybe that is me but I just never realise it? But as of now, never once did I do things with such intention (at least consciously), that’s why I didn’t know when you were referring to at first.  Is really a pity things come to such a point, recalling how it was a year ago. Nonetheless, I am still grateful for all that you have taught me, done for me and I am sorry for any moment of disappointment. I know I cannot change anything now, but I still want to bless the path ahead, be it yours or mine.

In these 2 years, little did I expect to find people whom I trusted so much, confined so much with, opening me to the idea of friends @ work. In fact, people whom I will miss when I am aboard. At times, I hoped that time will just stop by at certain point / moment, but I guess better moments await us in future. I really hoped that if for whatever reason any of us need to go left side out, the relationships can still be maintained. (AMEN)

There are times when I tried hard but in vain, and certain relationship was spoilt in the process but there was also lesson learnt. At times, I think it was kind of a semi career suicide move maybe, but I guess given my character, even if things restart again, I will still strive for it. Even if I know in the end result is so, I will still strive hard for it, though I certainly think things can be handled better. To me, at least I have strived hard for it, so there are no regrets, felt like saying sorry to some people though. It is likely that 10 years down the road when I look back, I will laugh at myself for taking this so hard. Recalling that day, I think I acted as if I fell out of love. Hahahhaa

Despite what I said previously, I know one day when I leave here, it will be a tearful depart. I once thought here is the place where I will work for the rest of my life. Through many things, I know my time here is finite, for how long I do not know but I know it will not be for the rest of my career life. I sometimes yearn for a simpler life, however, sometimes things get complicated. It is not beyond my capabilities to handle it, it is just a matter of preference I guess.

At times, the thought of going back to become a simple web developer will just flash across my mind. I know life can be that simple, yet I chose to be in a more complex environment. I refuse to give up now, I know I can do more than that … I can learn more here and not just do what I already know.  

An ending marks a new beginning. How will it be like I wonder? Never expect myself to start here, a place that is totally new to me. Embrace and be ready for the challenges ahead! People here are pretty nice to me, and I am trying hard to learn as much as I can.

Something is puzzling me though, why do I not feel the same when I wake up every morning or when I was doing…? Where is that feeling that I once have … what is so different now? Finding my sense of belonging … where do I belong to?  Decided to take some actions to be a bit more pro-active. If you can’t move your heart to be there first, then do the action first and it might just bring you closer. 為前面的路﹐加油和努力吧! :)

I just took out the amulet that was with me for the past 17 years from my wallet. I tend to have feelings for things that were with me for quite some time, this amulet is probably the most “senior” belonging in my wallet! Feeling abit weird now but I felt the need to do so since I have changed my believe.

Random stuff # 2:

I was on whatsapp for more than 2 hours this morning! OMG…

Random stuff # 3:

I still wonder if I should get myself a necklace with a cross pendant … wanted it for quite some time but I wonder if I will just irritate my parents with it since I am going to wear it everyday

Still scouting for one …  

Random stuff # 4:

I just realised that my starting pay here is below the median starting pay of graduates from my school =.= So stop saying my salary is high!

Random stuff # 5:

I realised I have 9 credit cards from different bank!!! … it is getting messy to manage all the payment =.=

Random stuff # 6:
Finally managed to transfer $$ over to my CIMB account successfully! Time to start saving