Is not easy but am learning to cope, accept mistakes, and move on. Picking up the bits and pieces of myself again and forming it back, will embrace the consequences as it come. Thank you all … who were there with me
Also learning to let it go, there are things that cannot be forced. You can only do so much. 是時候放下那個夢了。。。有些事情勉強不來的。 雖然我不明白為何我會做這個夢。。。總以為是一個sign or an indicator, 卻不知不覺的把自己困住了 … 做回自己吧﹐ 放開和放下是最好的。 雖然不容易﹐可是我會努力的。
“Look further and you will realise whether it is indeed snowing.” … Someone once told me this not too long ago.
放眼看看這個世界﹐ 其實人生還有很多其他的人與事也很值得你去注意和關心的﹐只是你沒察覺而已。
(Am listening to the Holy songs from LD…love the instrumental part … but it kinda sound a bit emo? ^^| Felt as if those were made to go with this posting, hahaha)
Heard a song that touches my heart today at service…posting an extract here:
In Christ forever I stand
I will believe
You are strong enough in my weakness
God be lifted up and I will sing
Lift Your praises high
Lord be magnified
You make all things new
I will believe
Oh Your love
Your love will never fail
Your love it knows no end
Your love will never fail
Oh Your love Stronger than my shame Greater than my pain
Your love will never fail
Upset, work work work … incident incident incident and I forgot something important … ~~~ Thank god there is still chance given. An emotion roller coaster ride but is a great lesson for me.
What’s more important in life? And yet what was I doing? …
Last night…I had a late night, even had some drinks and had a great night chilling out. Reached home at 4 plus in the morning and guess what? I was woken up by my boss calling me at about 7.30am regarding a system issue! Gosh…given the life I had few hours ago, relaxing, holding a cup of beer and nua-ing there until 4am. I am amaze at myself still able to work this morning.
Luckily, i didn’t drink too much else cannot imagine how I can function in the morning. So many things were on going in the morning, trying to report upwards, write notification in sms, coordinating and asking people to join the call and at the same time keep track of sequence of events and the issue they were discussing at the same time. For a moment I really wish that I have a few more hands.
Half the time I am on 2 phones! I was brushing halfway then I gotta pick up a call and start sms-ing the big bosses. Didn’t have a single drop of water nor a bite until it was about 1.30pm!
Hahaha….nonetheless, is an exciting morning and I am glad things are resolved
Being here for nearly 3 months, I see the changes in myself and is really quite a different experience considering that I hardly handled production issues previously. I can see that my supervisor is pushing me hard, for my good. Despite what others say, I think he is a good boss and indeed wants you to perform from the bottom of his heart. He shares with you his idea of how the different perception and different “ruler” each person has will impact the perception of performance.
Despite I get pretty stressed up at time … in fact break down right snap in the middle of office hours in the office! (OMG, so paiseh =.= of cause thats not just because of stress but also because I was too agitated by some people~~) … I still must admit that he is a good boss.
On the day I that I breakdown … many showered concern. Got a cup of hot chocolate from 2 ladies, deeply touched by the sms at night and even the next day to show care and concern. At night, the 3 ladies also waited for me for dinner, and though they didn’t say much, I knew they were trying to cheer me up I didn’t say much that nights also …. these were just moments that left deep impression on you.
Nonetheless, I continue to pray to be a stronger person and believe that God will help in the challenges I face (or rather helped ). Also kept reminding myself -> “if you can’t handle the work/stuff at this level, how are you going to handle greater things?”
Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Today had a lunch with a big group of people whom I don’t really know but I think the amount of time they spent there is worth > my annual salary. LOL…didn’t say much in during the lunch.
However, there is one phrase that Mr LML puts me into some thoughts. He said…his company also have rotation program BUT he says ” I am the one who decides where they go, not them. Cos what you want may not be what is best for you.” This puts me to wonder where does my Bosses actually think I am most suited to reside in?
I have put across so strongly where I desire to go … I think the message is almost like let me go there else i will throw my letter (of course not that I really will…) that I guess I leave them no choice but to give me what I want … hahah, my version of passive aggressive! But that leaves me no chance to know what is best for me from their perspective. Nonetheless…one message I get previously is don’t decide on a Technical path so early.
Frankly speaking, I don’t really think I am technically strong, like I always mention, I am not talented but I have the interest. Even when I am in school, I have seen so many talented people who can come up with fantastic algo that I never thought of. While I admire their talent, I know my “chips” is on my interest.
Up to 1.5 years ago I have never thought of pursuing a technical path, now…it is just that I find dealing with politics is really not my cup of tea. But nonetheless…I did not really set my a goal on a technical path yet, am keeping options open.
Lastly…I realised that quite a number of people looked so young…yet worked for 5-6 years liao! Wah! Sleep..zzz..tml morning standby again.
Was helping L thus was pressuring the person in charge to look into this, and a certain suggestion came about after much pressurising. It was obvious that was an answer/suggestion under stress, and upon questioning that person quickly changed his mind again. I could have got what I need if I pressurize him further but I felt unfair to the other party should I went along with his suggestion and I believed I made a professional fair decision then.
However, I certaintly think this wasn’t well comunicated to L. Technically I did not reject the suggestion but assess that the person in charge was not making a sound suggestion. However, as a friend, I wonder if I have done the right thing, yet in my role, I can’t bring myself to make any decision that I deem unfair. But…re-think again, what I deem is fair may not be fair…it may be I am not flexible enough in handling things?
Before CNY, I walked past the Hersey chocolate store in Orchard while I was on my way back. Thought of buying some chocolate for Valentine gift but decided to buy it later in case the chocolate melted before Valentine Day.
In the end? I forgot about it altogether. Pianz…
Then just now went and bought an ultra mushy chocolate after work. Hahaha…never in my life I gave anyone something that mushy before, so paiseh ^^| Hesitated for quite a while before buying…but decided to go ahead haaha. (before i get calls asking me if I am attached, the chocolate is not for bf lah…is for 3 za bor )
I used to think that I am the only one who will do certain things and at times … I will wonder if I am too naive while doing it … but today I realised that there are other people who will actually do such sentimental things. Hahaha …
Shall koonz now, tml gotta wake up at 4 plus to standby. God bless, tomorrow is a peaceful day without any “I”. God bless god bless!
Am writing the rotation report for my stay in the previous unit. Recalling the time there, the projects, the challanges, the fun…my emotions. Usually my rotation report is quite dry to read, as I tend to write factual stuff and avoid too much emotions/opinions in it. Writing all the so-called correct things. This round…I want to write differently…need to sort out my thoughts to write. Anyway … am listening to my favourite song now while writing.
Recently … I will fell into some negative thoughts occasionally…and started listening to Linkin Park’s songs again. It seems like each time I listen to it…I am always in a negative mood. I still think their older songs touch my heart more than the new one…
==================
In the End
==================
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
============================================
There are times…i really felt that I can relate to the lyrics…thinking of some events…some happenings, listening to the songs. Human are weird, aren’t we? Allowing ourselves to fall into such negative swirl of thoughts. I knew … each time i started listening to this, is not a good thing. So been trying to “neutralize” by listening to other songs…and guess what? I end up listening to talyor swift’s love story…hahah… nothing in particular just like the rythm of this song.
Think i heard it the first time in KTV when big gal sang it? Recently I heard it again when i was outside and I thought it was rather nice so I added it to my mp3. Guess what? Now i am stuck…..with this song kept ringing in my mind! hahaha….but i guess it beats listening to “In the End” … generates more positive energy.
============
Love Story
============
We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I’m standing there
On a balcony in summer air
See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know
That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don’t go, and I said
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I’ll be waiting all there’s left to do is run
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess
It’s a love story baby just say yes
So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet ’cause we’re dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while
‘Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don’t go and I said
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
[- From :http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/taylor-swift-lyrics/love-story-lyrics.html -]
I’ll be waiting all there’s left to do is run
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess
It’s a love story baby just say yes
Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it’s real
Don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out of this mess
It’s a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh
I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said
Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said, marry me Juliet
You’ll never have to be alone
I love you and that’s all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It’s a love story baby just say yes
Oh, oh, oh, oh
‘Cause we were both young when I first saw you
========================================
I am not sure if this is the so called burnt out…recently my mentality seems to have changed abit…as ususal I will try to convince myself to like or believe in the usefulness of certain things that I have to do it … but it doesn’t seems to as effective this round. I used to feel like I can do anything for X. Now…I really feel like taking block leave…no work and just nua at home. Go roam around…walk in rain…enjoy the rain, the sea, the wind and the freedom. Breath and live!
Side track abit…I also want to say this: Don’t waste time on things that have no result. 有些事情也許不需要太執著。
On the side note…everytime i listen to “In the End”, it also reminds me of my favourite MMORPG that I played about 10 yrs ago…how memorable, though it was a waste of time, I enjoyed the time I spent with my “team” battling in the tunnel…the team work back then, was fun and exciting. If only I can still afford such time to indulge in these again
Ever felt that there is always a lack of time? Been missing gathering session? Eversince i started to work here, occasionally I will miss some gathering. Sometimes because of the long hours in work, I am just too tired to do join in the fun.
Recently, priority seems to have shifted abit. I do still think that fufilling one’s responsibility is important, however, meeting my friends and families are as important.
That day while I worked late due to an incident, I know I have follow up to work on that night and I struggle within myself whether or not to join theGanG for Taekwondo training at SP. Even on the train, I am still struggling, I really felt like going home to work and rest but in the end, I chose to go for training
Lots of fond memories! Too bad I am not in my gee pants ~~ After that we even went for supper like what we did in the past despite a number of us have to work the next day or have work to complete on the day itself. That day … I slept at almost 1am … but no regrets! I am so happy that I went and enjoyed the time with them.
Next come the grocery shopping for CNY reunion dinner. Last night because of some report discussion, I only reached home near 10pm. Didn’t want to skip the annual grocery shopping with my brother so in the end we went to NTUC at 11pm and shopped till 12 plus midnight. A total of $150 burn in my pocket (split between the 2 of us though ) and in the end I worked till even later in the night.
As one grew older, you will realise that there are things that you do not want to miss, not even for a year and will try your best to do it. Alright, off to have my reunion dinner ^_^
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